Illness – a disease or period of sickness affecting the body or mind.
Wellness -a state of being in good health, especially as an actively pursued goal.
I was ill with anorexia and depression for many years. I spent a long time in recovery, making steps towards wellness, it was a tough journey but I got to the point where I felt I could say I was recovered a couple of years go.
A stable mood, a stable weight, a life focused on the future rather than having to focus on managing my mental health and many other markers of freedom have been reached.
But I still have to do a lot to manage my mental health. To maintain my mood I need to manage my weekly and daily routine so that I manage my energy levels, get enough rest and carefully consider how much stress is acceptable and what activities I can manage. I practice mindfulness as it helps me stay in the here and now rather than panicking about the future or dwelling in the past.
To stop myself spiralling into anorexia, I have to eat regularly but avoid rituals or strict habits. Over eating and under eating are ok but I must always be on the watch for the “anorexic voice” – it’s easily triggered by today’s diet culture chatter and irresponsible social media postings.
I am no longer “ill” and I “actively pursue” wellness.
I have heard some people say they are chronically ill because they will be on medication for the rest of their lives. I have tried coming off my medication, tapered gradually, but my symptoms returned. I have had to come to terms with the fact that I will probably be on medication for the rest of my life – but I don’t consider that to be the definition of illness.
Someone who has high blood pressure usually manages their blood pressure with lifestyle and medication in order to keep their blood pressure within normal limits. Someone who has diabetes uses lifestyle, medication and/or insulin to keep their blood sugars within normal ranges. Equally, I use lifestyle and medication to manage my mental health.
Even though I continue to need to manage my mental health I don’t think considering myself as an ill person is helpful. For some people, holding onto an identity as an ill person can have a negative impact on self esteem and ability to develop and grow as a person. But if I consider myself well and/or recovered, there’s the risk I might take my eye off the ball and not give my health the attention it needs.
So if I am neither ill nor well, what am I?!
Maybe I don’t need a label for what I am!
Sometimes I am more well than others – I have to work hard to stay well, that does not mean I am ill. I do not have to let this define me. I’m learning, despite what some people will have you think, not fitting into a category isn’t a bad thing!