Tag Archives: recovery

Image of my tattoo

What does my tattoo mean?

I’ve finally done it! It may surprise some people but I’ve finally been inked and I have some permanent body art I absolutely love! For me, it’s been a long time coming. I thought long and hard and whether I wanted one at all and I considered very carefully the content and placement of said tattoo.

The cat

My pencil sketch

I’ve had cats as pets all my life. I don’t just love cats, they’ve been an integral part of my mental health recovery. When in a dark place, a cat does not judge you or treat you differently, they do not worry about what to say or how to treat you; if they want food or fuss, they pester you, they lead a simple life but I love their individual characters. At times when getting on with humans has been too difficult, I’ve always found comfort in the companionship of a cat.

Milly has taught me to be more laid back. Rosa taught me to be content with the small things. Figgy teaches me everyday that being an idiot is ok!

The cat in my tattoo represents the comfort and relief I find when in the presence of a cat. But from my position of comfort I can reach for…

The butterfly

A symbol of freedom. As a butterfly emerges from its chrysalis and dries out its wings, it’s undergone and incredible transformation and now has the freedom to fly. Mental health recovery is a fragile entity, not to be taken for granted. As a butterfly has the freedom to fly, it’s also vulnerable to the slightest insult.

Butterfly is also a symbol of hope, bravery and commitment.

The semi colon

The body of the butterfly is a semi colon and represents the idea that my story is not over. It was coined by the semi colon project to be shared by people who’ve been touched by suicide. I have attempted to take my life on a number of occasions but I live and my story goes on.

I’ve joined a community of people who believe we have a collective responsibility to prevent suicide by sharing information and resources. If I can have just one more conversation about suicide prevention, it;’s worth it. Hopefully, it’ll start many conversations!

Designed by me

Lots of my sketches

After looking at numerous pages of Google images and trawling Pinterest, I knew what I wanted, I hadn’t found the exact image, the best way to explain it was to draw it myself so that’s what I did! It took a lot of drafting, I’m no artist! But I got there eventually. The final design s a combination of the cat drawn by me, refined by the tattoo artist and the butterfly designed and drawn by the artist.

I think there’s beauty in the simplicity of the lines. I didn’t want it to be any specific cat or species of butterfly – what they represent is more important.

Placed on my back

To represent my perseverance to put my mental illness behind me.

While I’m glad to have serious episodes of mental illness behind me, I can’t say that about physical illness. I continue to have serious neck and back pain caused by arthritis in my spine and fibromyalgia. I feel like, by putting something pretty on the area that’s causing me grief, I’m doing something to counteract my feelings of annoyance and frustration.

Hidden by my clothes

Because I know there are people out there who judge: People with tattoos, people with scars, people with mental illness.

I did wonder about having it visible and laughing the face of judgment but I’d rather people get to know me and then they find out I don’t fit the stereotypes they’d expect. They way I can challenge their judgments they hold. I do, also, need to consider my professional life. It’s a shame that people make judgments and assume stereotypes but in my professional life, I’m in a position of trust and I need to put my clients first and consider how they feel – I don’t want them to be distracted by my tattoos.

Visible on occasion

While my tattoo is for me, I didn’t get it for anyone else, I not averse to positive feedback! I’ve chosen a position that I can choose whether or not I have it on show. I think it’s quite pretty and while there are people who’re against tattoos in general, I think if people see mine, on the whole, people will not be offended by mine, so I going to enjoy choosing clothing based on how low the back is!

My tattoo

Represents how I live my life – in an incredibly careful and considered way! Maybe I overthink things sometimes but then I’m able to step outside the box into the unexpected too!

“You’re so lucky!” Really?! Am I really?!

Teensy bit of a rant alert…!
If I happen to mention that I work part time, people, more often than not say “wow, you’re so lucky!” When I’m heading out of work early afternoon on a Thursday, wishing everyone a “good weekend”, people say “you’re so lucky” with a tinge of envy.
I must say, I’m incredibly fortunate that my husband and I are in a position where we can afford for me to bring in a part time wage but I’m not sure where luck comes into that. My husband has worked very hard to get a good job and he continues to work hard to bring home a comfortable wage.
I wonder if people forget that I only actually get paid for the work I do, it’s not like my company has said “yeah, we’ll keep paying you full time but you don’t have to come in every day”! I’m not on much above the hourly living wage for, what can be, a pretty full on job – and this is pro rata!
There are many reasons why I am part time, the one that benefits me the most is that I have time to look after my health. I have had serious mental health problems and currently suffer from arthritis and fibromyalgia so I live to constant severe pain and punishing fatigue. Working full time, I had limited time to look after my health, I need to make time for regular exercise/physio session and plenty of time out.
Lots of people can manage their chronic illnesses by taking a few pills – I do have a lot of pills to that but I also have to do regular exercise sessions, this take quite a bit of time out of my day and just like you’d never expect someone to miss a few days of their pills – nor can I miss a few days of my exercise regime.
When working full time, it was really hard to physically fit exercise sessions into my day, let alone feel motivated to do it because work was taking such a toll on my mind and my body. If I did manage to fit in a session, it was usually at the expense of a social engagement or other activity I would have liked to have done.
So, in order to properly look after my health, working part time is our current solution, if I continued full time, chances are, I was heading for a crisis and would have needed me to take time of work sick and when it comes to chronic illness, this may have led to me being off work permanently.
So, if “lucky” is, waking up with fewer spoons than other people, being in constant physical pain, struggling with brain fog and pervasive fatigue (but having to go to work anyway) and having to go to the gym 5 times a week to manage the symptoms of my chronic illness, then yeah, I guess I am, very lucky!

Is social media causing more stress than it’s worth?

The idea behind social media is brilliant, it connects us. Initially it was that simple, maintaining connections between people who’re friends in real life or building virtual relationships between people who may never, otherwise, meet.
But it seems to have taken on a life of its own, making demands on us to present a specific “public friendly” version of ourselves, we get caught up in how many ‘likes’, ‘shares’ and ‘follows’ we’ve had and it makes 41%* of us feel lonely. That doesn’t sound right!
For Mental Health Awareness Week, PushON, an eCommerce agency, conducted a survey asking all about social media, how it makes us feel and how it impacts our mental health.

In 27 – 64%* of us, social media evokes feelings such as resentment, sadness, anxiety and jealousy and it makes 48% of us feel self-conscious.#
We’ve had to invent a word for that special photo that’s usually filtered – the infamous selfie!
We’re feeling awfully confused about social media, many feel concerned about being over monitored or ‘spied’ upon in the evolving technological world, yet we worry that no-one will pay attention to or ‘like’ what we post.
I’ve had a mixed relationship with social media. When I’ve been less inclined to leave the house (as a depressed introvert, it’s an easy place to end up!) it’s been a way of keeping in touch with the world and interacting with people at a comfortable distance.
Social media is great at connecting people with similar experiences, I wouldn’t have met these people without social media but I developed relationships that boosted my recovery as we were ‘in it together’!
28% of people say they feel motivated by social media and 43% feel happy while using it.*#
As I recovered from anorexia I had amazing support from the Berkshire Eating Disorders Service and their Support, Hope and Recovery Online Network (SHaRON!). I didn’t have to sit awkwardly in a room and do ‘group therapy’ – I just logged on whenever, wherever – not only getting the support (from therapists and fellow sufferers) when battling my way through a bowl of soup but also giving support – this 2 way process was important.
But at the same time, there are some negatives! How many of us can say our facebook statuses give an accurate picture of our life? At any given time, a Facebook wall could be covered in wedding, sonogram and baby pics – giving the impression everyone is either planning babies, having babies or caring for babies and all of this is shiny and happy. We all know this is no-where near the truth! Most people aren’t thinking about babies or children at all and those that are, are stressed out about it, rather than it all being smiles and laughter!
Mental illness is great at making us feel isolated, alone and completely incapable of doing life, the biased Facebook wall can compound these feelings. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying people shouldn’t share photos of their exciting moments. When unwell, it’s important to hold onto the fact that people do not write “struggled to out of bed today” or “washed my hair then watched TV”. Like good news rarely makes the newspapers, bad or neutral news doesn’t hit the Facebook status!
What’s more, while most of us are posting the edited highlights, 36%* of people admit they’re somewhere between ‘jazzing up’ their online profile and it being a complete lie.
Although social media can have a negative impact at times, 63% believed taking social media away would have a negative impact on them (with 1% believing they would feel heartbroken!)
There’s no debate, it’s here to stay, perhaps we all need to be careful, be clear about how we use it and don’t let it become a source of unrest or unhappiness – this is our choice to make!
*All stats from a survey of 1000 adults in the UK carried out by PushON, an eCommerce agency. (# Participants could choose multiple feelings). Survey carried in conjunction with Mental Health Awareness Week.