Tag Archives: suicidal ideation

What is safety?

TW – Trigger warning for detailed content about suicide and suicidal feelings. Please considering moving onto a different blog if you may feel particularly distressed reading about these subjects. It’s important to practice self care and only read content on the internet that will benefit you.

Show Article

While Covid-19 is spreading through our society, we’re being asked to stay at home to keep safe. But this is only keeping us physically safe from a virus. I do understand that this virus is especially contagious and virulent therefore physical safety at this time is a priority but I want to spend a few moments reflecting on the meaning of safety and it’s different forms.

A feeling of safety can be captured through routines and familiarity, this is why people so often struggle with change. Nearly all of us are coping with huge upheaval as Covid-19 is sweeping across our nations. Working from home, not working at all, stopping social activities, home schooling our children, doing more or fewer activities than previously – some of these may have positives, negatives or a mixture of both but change is always hard.

Cortisol is our stress hormone. Usually it is released to help us cope with a peak in stress and it aids managing the stressful situation. However at times of long term stress, cortisol being released over a prolonged period leads to all sorts of side effects such as fatigue, irritability, headaches, intestinal problems, anxiety, depression, weight gain, increased blood pressure, low libido and erectile dysfunction.

Lots of people are being brought to our attention as people who need care/support: the elderly, those living with an abuser, the unemployed, the homeless, people with chronic illnesses and many others – each group has its spokes people. But I fear for those we don’t hear about – who’s helping the people we don’t know about?

There have been many occasions in my life when I’ve felt unsafe and it’s been my own thoughts that have been working against me. Mental health crisis is hard to explain, trying to explain what it’s like being suicidal is like trying to describe colour to someone who’s been blind from birth.

Being suicidal feels like all your senses have been taken away included your senses of dignity, perspective and reality, it feels like one by one everyone is giving up on you and this makes sense because the situation is completely hopeless; you’re a worthless human being with nothing to live for, gradually the grey numbness you’ve been feeling for a while turns to an active hot feeling of desperation – “whatever this is, it is unbearable and it just has to end.” Eventually calmness and serenity is felt once a plan to end the suffering is in place. (At least, this is what it was like for me.)

So, this lockdown (in whatever form it’s taking in the country you’re in) is designed to prevent the spread of a virus but at what cost? I‘m definitely not saying we shouldn’t be following government advice – I’m the first to do as I’m told! What I am saying is we need to ensure we look after our physical and our mental safety.

Specific links about how to look after our mental health during the lock down can be found at the bottom of the page.

A “place of safety” is somewhere designed to help an individual through a mental health crisis, to support them while they’re feeling suicidal, to prevent them carrying out any plans they may have made to end their life. Usually this is a specialist mental health unit but it can be A&E or a police station. Unfortunately I have been detained in a police cell; I was scared, yes, but realising I was too unwell to make decisions about my care myself, it was a relief that they took over responsibility for my safety when I couldn’t do it myself.

I recently returned to therapy because my mental health has been challenged. For me, the therapists room is a place of safety because it’s somewhere I can be myself. Most people are different versions of themselves in different environments but when suffering with mental illness most people are familiar with the feeling of putting on a mask. Most of the time this mask ensure the world has no idea what’s going on underneath. At work I’m professional, competent Frances; socially I’m friendly, pleasant Frances etc. In the therapy room, my therapist doesn’t judge me for being anxious, confused, angry, annoyed – it’s safe to take my mask off.

As the weeks of this pandemic drag on, people start to talk about cabin fever or “going stir crazy”. These phrases refer to feelings of being cooped up too long. This place that was meant to be keeping us safe has become a prison! This is exactly why most lockdowns include being permitted to go out for exercise and it’s vital to take advantage of this if possible. If it’s not possible, sitting in the garden or by an open window as often as possible is really important.

So, if you’re doing as the government has asked and you’re staying at home, thank you for keeping your community safe from the virus. But it’s really important to spend some time thinking about what makes you feel mentally and emotionally safe:

  • Keeping busy? – try learning something new
  • Seeing friends and family regularly? – connect with them however you can.
  • Having time and space to yourself? – timetable 15-20 “me time” in a separate room and let other people in your household know that’s what you’re doing.
  • Keeping familiarity and routine? – build some habits into your day to build a new routine.
  • Having freedom to move around? – use the permission to exercise daily if possible.
  • A hug? – whether it’s someone you live with, a pet or a cuddly toy it’s ok to to give it a really good squish everyday!
  • Having autonomy and control? – focus on what you can control not what you can’t. I find the serenity prayer helpful!

If you’re feeling unsafe or uneasy, can you work out what’s missing? Whether it’s about feeling empowered and in control or being allowed to be vulnerable and looked after for a short time. Perhaps at the moment it’s not easy to get exactly what we need but can you simulate it? Maybe we don’t have freedom to move around but how about planning a holiday for when it’s over because, this is going to end. We don’t know when, but it will.

It may also be important to take things out of your daily routine that is harmful to your mental and emotional safety. These links provide really good hints and tips for looking after your wellbeing during this time of uncertainty.

Specific links:

  • Mind – a wide variety of information including managing wellbeing, work, anxiety and social care rights
  • Beat Eating Disorders – really good specific questions related to managing eating disorders and recovery
  • Mental Health Foundation – information including mental health tips, relationships, finances and talking to children

Hide Article

Myth#6 If you survive a suicide attempt you didn’t really want to die

Trigger warningthis blog talks frankly about suicide, if you may find this content triggering, please do not read any further.
Even if you’re not triggered by this blog, please be aware you may find it distressing.
Please use your usual support network or contact a national agency such as The Samaritans on 116123 for support.
Unfortunately, I have made a number of attempts on my life. Each and every one, I fully intended to die. Anyone who attempts suicide will have different reasons, for me, I was seriously mentally unwell. Depression stripped me of feeling human and created the perfect environment for intrusive thoughts and beliefs about the world being better off without me, I believed I was going to feel hopeless and helpless and it was so unbearable, death by suicide was the only option. Anorexia caused my brain to be devoid of the nutrients that it needed to attempt to differentiate fact from fiction.
With the active debate about assisted suicide, there are people who do not meet the criteria for a mental illness but believe their life or situation is not worth living, they may live with a chronic illness or permanent disability, they believe death by suicide is a rational decision to make but are unable to carry it out themselves and ask seek assistance – I’m not here to debate the rights and wrong of this, suffice to say, people with a desire to end their life may or may not fulfill the criteria to be diagnosed with a mental illness.
It’s important to remember that suicidal intent isn’t black and white. Multiple factors combine to measure someone’s intent, include: timing, expectation of fatality, preparations, purpose of action, medical rescuability and premeditation. Beck’s Suicide Intent Scale has been found to be useful in predicting death by suicide.
Whether suicide is completed on not, no-one but the person themselves really knows what’s gone on, unless they have been able to accurately articulate their thoughts and feelings prior to the event.
Some methods are more likely to result in a completed suicide than others but when ill it is not always possible to this logically about what method would be “best” and it usually depends on availability of resources.
(I did tell you this was going to be a frank blog!)
Some stats show that those in the medical profession, (including doctors, nurses, dentists and vets) and those in agriculture are at high risk of completed suicide due to their knowledge relating to suicide methods as well as access to means (drugs and/or firearms). People without precise knowledge and/or access to means will have no less intent but their “choice” or method may be less likely to result in completed suicide.
There are also a number of reasons why males are more likely to die by suicide than females but this does not mean than a female who survives a suicide attempt did not intend to die.
I can only talk about my experience of surviving suicide attempts but having spoken to other people who have survived, I know our story share similarities.
Waking up, coming round or coming to the realisation that an attempt has been “unsuccessful” brings up a number of emotions: (please note, the language I’m using is intended to emphasise the feelings surrounding suicide, I do not intend to offend or belittle the feelings)

  • Disappointment – “I have not “achieved” what I wanted”. Feeling even more of a failure than I did before – this is a very dark place.
  • Fear – “What are people going to think?” And “I’m going to have to live with what I’ve done” whether it’s ongoing physical effects of the attempt (e.g. broken bones, liver damage) or now living with the mental scarring/pain of the attempt.
  • Guilt – about having not completed suicide (continuing to believe it’s the correct action to take)
  • Shame – for the “fuss” or worry caused to those around. My attempts were often linked to guilt about taking up NHS resources – when my attempt was “unsuccessful”, I was taking even more resources.
  • Relief – after one attempt in particular, it felt like I’d woken up. This was a particularly violent attempt, no one could understand how I’d survived – but I did and I saw this as quite a powerful sign that I should be alive and I had a renewed desire to get through my illness.

It can be difficult to admit feeling relieved, it may not be that the person didn’t want to complete suicide, it’s likely that a new perspective has been found after the event.
People who show warning signs and/or attempt suicide need to be taken seriously.
It is not ok for professionals to say “we can’t save them all” (they used to teach this at medical school to relieve the guilt if a patient completed suicide). I’m not saying professionals should feel guilty, I’m saying nonchalance is inappropriate when it comes to preventable death from any illness, mental illness included.
Nor is it ok for professionals to say “this is their normal behaviour” and ignore warning signs of suicide. (Seriously, I’ve had a psychiatrist deny me support because they thought I was “just attention seeking” – sadly, the lack of support led to causing irreversible damage to my body in an attempt to take my life.)
I was plagued by suicidal ideation (thoughts and plans about suicide) for years. Even when in active recovery from depression and anorexia, I continued to keep suicide on the back burner – it was always an options if things got too bad. This may sound strange to some people, it will not sound strange to anyone who has gone through the pain and torture of mental illness.
However, I could only break free from mental illness once I made a commitment and said to myself “suicide is not an option”. To those still on the brink, keeping suicide as an option, may feel “safe” but you will never experience how freeing it is to finally say “I’m choosing to live, there IS a way through and I AM going to find it!”
Breaking free and turning your back on suicide as an option does not diminish the severity of your pain – it is about choosing life over an otherwise grey existence.
It is also important to recognise that people whose behavior is risky but they do not intent to die are experiencing severe mental pain. Suicidal or para-suicidal behaviour should not lead to feelings of shame, mental illness leads to people behaving out of character.
With this blog, I have wanted to speak openly about death by suicide, just as we should speak openly about death by other means. People who have attempted suicide and survived should not be discriminated against by medical professionals – I hope by speaking out, I’m chipping away at the taboo and stigma surrounding the issue.