Tag Archives: wellbeing

Why am I running a marathon?

Some of you will know I’ve spent the last little while training for a marathon and it’s coming up fast so I thought I’d share a few things I’ve been reflecting on! Firstly, why the heck am I doing it?!

Because I want to!

Group of mixed sex marathon running

Ever since I can remember being aware of what a marathon is, I have wanted to do one! I can’t quite put my finger on why, I just remember seeing it on television and I thought it was amazing to be able to run that far; it seemed as though finishing it led to a huge sense of achievement and so much positivity surrounded the whole event. Whether people run for charity, in fancy dress or for personal goals, everyone has one target, the finish line! While it’s a solitary pursuit, there’s a fantastic sense of comradery! Having done a couple of half marathons the buzz produced by the spectators is great, complete strangers come to cheer you on. Everyone wants everyone to achieve whatever goal they’ve set themselves! That goal may simply be to finish while others chase records.

It’s now or never!

Over the years my health has let me down. Chronic mental and physical illnesses have taken their toll on my body. After a failed operation on my ankle a couple of years ago, my surgeon has said the next option is to fuse my ankle joint. While it will be possible to run on a fused ankle, I know the rehab process will be long. To put off the operation as long as possible I’ve been fitted with an orthotic that keeps my ankle joint rigid; currently this keeps my pain to a minimum and allows me to run.

I have fibromyalgia, currently an incurable condition that tends to get worse rather than better. I also have degeneration and various arthritic changes in my cervical and thoracic spine, which, again, are getting worse, not better! I’m on a waiting list to have injections into my spine to help with the pain, I’m currently managing with multiple painkillers and frequent chiropractic sessions.

I’m using this window, before another ankle op is absolutely necessary, to achieve my dream. My body is crumbling (some people don’t believe me because I’m really good at covering up how much pain I’m in but it really is!), the longer I leave it, the less likelihood there is of me achieving this! If I tried waiting for optimal health, it’s never going to happen so it’s now or never!

Things I’ve learnt

  • Fuelling while I’m running – having run a couple of half marathons without eating, this came as a bit of a shock but it turns out the body can only store enough glycogen to keep you going for about 1.5 hours. I’m going to take a lot longer than that so it’s been an interesting part of training to work out what to eat, when and how! I well and truly hit the proverbial wall about 2.5 hours into my first long run… I don’t want to experience that again! (Good to experience it in training rather than the real thing though!). Fuelling correctly before running is to ensure the glycogen stores a jam-packed. I’ve been having fun cooking more varied meals!
  • It’s a good idea to smell soya milk before using it to make pre-run porridge – turns out, soya milk goes off. I had no idea and it tasted fine in my porridge… until mid 18-mile-training-run my tummy was very very unhappy, ‘nuff said… again, good job I experienced this mid-training run and not in the real thing!
  • My mind is incredibly strong – even when achy and exhausted, I’ve proved again and again, I can keep going. I may not be fast but I can keep going. That unforgettable 18 miles I mentioned above? I finished that run! Just shows what you can force your body to do when you want to/have to! I keep going when it’s tough using a few mantras in time with my footsteps: “you can do this” or “just keep go-ing” – the 4 syllables helps keep my rhythm going. My body may not be great, it’s going to hurt but it’s going to be the power of self belief that carries me over the line.
  • Rest is just as much a part of training as running is – I’m finding as I taper down my miles (a important part of any training schedule) when I do run I’m feeling stronger. In my younger years when I’ve not followed any training plan, I’ve pounded the streets day-after-day-after-day, not achieving anything but exhaustion. Unfortunately my sleep will never be the best quality (due to fibro) but resting for long enough is required for muscles to recover.
  • Podcasts are fantastic – lots of people like running to music but I find it difficult as I tend to run to the beat even if it too fast or slow for me. However, I’ve been entertained during the long hours on my own by some great podcasts. The subject matter of some of these may surprise you but I think I’ve learnt the atmosphere created by the banter matters more to me than the theme (in no particular order): You, me and the Big C: Putting the can in cancer – fantastically funny and serious but above all honest conversations around the subject of cancer, Wellfar – podcast tracking marathon training with Amy Hopkinson, Sh**ged Married Annoyed – Rosie and Chris Ramsey taking an honest look at their married and answer listen questions, Something Rhymes with Purple – a fun discussion about our bright and colourful English language with etymologist Susie Dent and Giles Brandreth, Scummy Mummies – an hilarious look at parenthood, Deliciously Ella – a down to earth conversation about mental and physical health, David Tenant Does a Podcast – revealing but relaxed conversations with the gorgeous David Tenant at the helm. One thing I would say is I’ve found running is compatible with neither laughing nor crying…!
  • There’s a lot to remember before setting out on a long run – while you’re remembering to put on suncream and sunglasses to position blister plasters, carry water and food, you’ve got to decide on a garment to carry everything, you’ve also got to do the right warm up, I have to remember to warm up my ankle before putting on my ankle brace as my ankle muscle still try to work (despite being braced) and they get tight. It took me a long time to decide on a comfortable hair-do for running – to low plait has it – not too tight but not too loose! Remembering to charge my headphones is essential too!
  • A new brace solves the blister issues – I was told each orthotic would last 9-12 months of normal use. But, I’m, erm… thwacking it through marathon training! My 6 month old brace was causing awful blisters, fortunately, my orthotist ordered a new one, no questions asked and my new one is doing a grand job!
  • It’s possible to stick to a plan and be flexible at the same time – I mapped out my training programme in front of a computer. I’m usually someone who sets a plan and sticks rigidly to it but that would have been a recipe for self destruction so as the weeks went by I found small adjustments and made it more suitable for my weekly commitments and how I felt my body was recovering from long runs etc.

Never have the following sayings been more true:

If you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right” and

If you want to you’ll find a way, if you don’t want to you’ll find an excuse”!

If you’re thinking you might want to run a marathon…keep both of these in mind!

Female running down a track between a line of trees

Training for a marathon is no small feat, it takes time and discipline. My husband has been a saint, giving me the time and space I need, he’s even been water-boy on occasion, tracking me around the beautiful Hampshire countryside providing water and sustenance. I’m being selfish, this dream is all about me, feeling good about myself and nothing else. I know there will be many people there raising money for charity or doing other honourable things but I spend the large majority of my life doing stuff for other people so this is just for me. It’s really hard to admit this because I don’t think I deserve it, but that’s exactly why I’m doing it, to prove to myself, I am worth it!

Illness and wellness are not binary

Illness – a disease or period of sickness affecting the body or mind.

Wellness -a state of being in good health, especially as an actively pursued goal.

I was ill with anorexia and depression for many years. I spent a long time in recovery, making steps towards wellness, it was a tough journey but I got to the point where I felt I could say I was recovered a couple of years go.

A stable mood, a stable weight, a life focused on the future rather than having to focus on managing my mental health and many other markers of freedom have been reached.

But I still have to do a lot to manage my mental health. To maintain my mood I need to manage my weekly and daily routine so that I manage my energy levels, get enough rest and carefully consider how much stress is acceptable and what activities I can manage. I practice mindfulness as it helps me stay in the here and now rather than panicking about the future or dwelling in the past.

To stop myself spiralling into anorexia, I have to eat regularly but avoid rituals or strict habits. Over eating and under eating are ok but I must always be on the watch for the “anorexic voice” – it’s easily triggered by today’s diet culture chatter and irresponsible social media postings.

I am no longer “ill” and I “actively pursue” wellness.

I have heard some people say they are chronically ill because they will be on medication for the rest of their lives. I have tried coming off my medication, tapered gradually, but my symptoms returned. I have had to come to terms with the fact that I will probably be on medication for the rest of my life – but I don’t consider that to be the definition of illness.

Someone who has high blood pressure usually manages their blood pressure with lifestyle and medication in order to keep their blood pressure within normal limits. Someone who has diabetes uses lifestyle, medication and/or insulin to keep their blood sugars within normal ranges. Equally, I use lifestyle and medication to manage my mental health.

Even though I continue to need to manage my mental health I don’t think considering myself as an ill person is helpful. For some people, holding onto an identity as an ill person can have a negative impact on self esteem and ability to develop and grow as a person. But if I consider myself well and/or recovered, there’s the risk I might take my eye off the ball and not give my health the attention it needs.

So if I am neither ill nor well, what am I?!

Maybe I don’t need a label for what I am!

Sometimes I am more well than others – I have to work hard to stay well, that does not mean I am ill. I do not have to let this define me. I’m learning, despite what some people will have you think, not fitting into a category isn’t a bad thing!

We all need a break!

I’ve been reflecting, recently, on the number of people commenting about how essential it is that their work continues through the Christmas period. 2 thoughts have occurred to me:

1. Don’t take bank holidays for granted!
When some people say their not getting a break, they mean, they’re not getting any extra annual leave aside from bank holidays. Seriously, I’ve heard people actually say “I’m working right through” but they’re getting Christmas Day and Boxing Day off and only working half days the rest of the week. Hang on…that’s not “working right through”!! If you’ve got the bank holidays off, it’s ok to say so and appreciate them!
Let’s stop and think about people who are actually working on Christmas Day: nurses, doctors, police officers, priests, carers…these people are “working right through”! These people will spend part or all of the festive season away from their friends and family, looking after those in need.

2. The care sector and emergency services are the only essentials!
No matter what we think, entertainment, technology, motor, retail and many others….none of these are essential! Yes, we need them, I’m not saying we can do away all together but perspective people!
In previous roles, working bank holidays was part of my job, people need care 24/7. Yes, I’d work some and not others but I could never count on getting a day off. I now work in admin and I’m happy to say, this year, “the hospital doesn’t need admin over Christmas so I’m off!” I’m no longer essential!
What’s happened to our culture in that having a break seems to be frowned upon?! It’s ok to take a break, if you’ve got the bank holidays off, good for you, if you’ve arranged your annual leave so you’re taking more of a break, great! Leave from work is not just a legal right but an essential part of health management.
If it’s the culture at your place of work to not take annual leave, you could be the one to change it. A good work life balance is something to be proud of, not some thing be ashamed of!
You don’t need to play the martyr and work as though the world would stop turning if you were to take a break. If, on the other hand, you actually want to work through Christmas, good for you, maybe the festivities aren’t for you, that’s ok, just make sure you take a break at another time of year!