TW – Trigger Warning – contains suicide theme

A dear friend of mine died as a result of her own actions. We do not know if she intended to end her life, she was deeply unwell and the only way she knew how to cope with the despair was to repeatedly take extreme risks with her life and it was one of these actions that finally took her from this world.

She was beautiful, inside and out. A bright light in the world. She was an inspiration to me. I first got to know her when she was facilitating an eating disorder recovery course I was attending. She been through the pain that is anorexia and she showed me it was possible to come out the other side. We grew to be good friends, but her vulnerability to mental illness continued and it took its grip once again.

At her funeral, I was very fortunate to be reminded about the power of forgiveness and how essential it is at times of grief. I needed to be reminded that holding onto sadness, anger and guilt won’t help anyone, the only way to move forward in life is to manage these emotions in a healthy way.

• Days before she died, Mary (not her real name) had applied for a job and she was rejected by email because she’d previously been suspended relating to her mental health problems. Of course, I do not blame this person for her death, the world is full of triggering events, but this was a contributing factor to how she felt. I need to forgive this person for not giving her the chance she needed.
• Mary’s husband had some difficulties which Mary really struggled to deal with. A lot of her friends tried to persuade her to leave him but I listened to her while she wrestled with her thoughts and feelings saying I would support her with whatever she decided. She decided to forgive him, I need to follow her amazing example and forgive him for putting her through such pain.
• Before going to hospital Mary had received inadequate support from the community mental health team. This could have been for number of reasons. It’s sad that people with Borderline Personality Disorder often receive poor or disjointed care due to lack of understanding, stigma and discrimination. I blog, aiming to improve understanding of all mental health conditions, it’s one small way I hope I can help. All mental health services are stretched due to lack of funding. We can all join campaigns to improve the state of mental health services. Instead of feeling angry and let down, I need to forgive and use my emotions to act and improve things.
• According to newspaper reports of the inquest into Mary’s death she’d been assessed on her admission to hospital and the doctor did not pick up that she was a suicide risk or at risk of harming herself and did not therefore recommend she be on a high level of observations. In my mind, something went wrong in this assessment. Was Mary given the opportunity to tell someone how distressed she was? Did Mary feel she couldn’t tell anyone? Was she so distressed, she didn’t want anyone to stop her acting? Did Mary tell someone but they didn’t act or even record it? Was Mary so impulsive, she had no idea she was going to do what she did? These questions could go around in my head forever but I will never find the answers, no one can ever ask Mary what happened from her perspective so I need to forgive and let them go.
• I need to forgive the ward manager who smirked during the hearing and had to be removed from court to be told how to behave. He has no idea how hurtful his behaviour was.
• It is really hard to admit I feel angry at Mary for doing something so dangerous and putting her life at risk so many times. But I know she was ill. Mental illness is powerful and the voices accompanying the darkness can persuade the sufferer to act in uncharacteristic ways. Admitting I’m angry with Mary is the first step towards forgiving her.
• I believe in God, as did Mary. The existence of mental illness doesn’t make sense but the brain is an organ like any other that can go wrong and get sick. God bears the brunt of much anger from anyone and everyone, whether they believe in him or not. Some people seem to think, when  all else fails, at least there’s God to blame. But holding onto anger doesn’t do anyone any good. Accepting that we live in a fallen world may be the only way to get past this one.
• I wish I could ask Mary for forgiveness, I’m sorry for:
  • Not being there for her
  • Not making people step up and give her the care she needed
  • Anything I did that added to her distress
  • Anything I should have done but didn’t that could have prevented this tragedy
• Ultimately, I need to forgive myself…

None of these people will know the process I’m choosing to go through but if I don’t forgive them, I will be choosing to hold onto my anger, sadness, guilt and despair. Keeping myself trapped in these emotions will gnaw away at me, it will not bring Mary back and it would devastate her if she knew I was doing that to myself. Forgiveness is not a feeling, it’s a choice. I must follow Mary’s example of how healing forgiveness could be. I will never forget but the only way to ease the extreme pain is to forgive.